How to communicate and influence anyone

Hey friends,

I watched a video going around on autism awareness with a phrase I'd like us to think about.

Clarity is kindness.

For context, the video encourages everyone to simply say exactly what they mean when interacting with people who may be on the spectrum: not to hint, suggest, insinuate or gaslight. Just say the thing. The actual thing.

And I watched it thinking: why must this be reserved for unique cases? Why isn’t that just... communication?

Because if we’re honest, most of what passes for communication in offices, boardrooms, WhatsApp threads, and dinner tables isn’t communication at all. It’s signalling. It’s positioning. It’s people trying to get what they want without being accountable for asking for it. 🫢

What communication actually is.

So here’s how it works.

A thought forms in your head. You find words for it. You send those words … through your voice, your face, your body, your silence … and another person receives them, filters them through everything they’ve ever experienced, and constructs meaning.

That meaning may or may not resemble what you intended.

That’s it. That’s the whole process. And every single step in that chain is a place where something can go wrong.

The words you choose. The tone you deliver them in. The context you assume they already have. The expression on your face that contradicts what your mouth is saying. The moment you pick. The relationship you’ve already built, or damaged, that colours every word before you even open your mouth.

Most people oversimplify communication. I said it, therefore I communicated. But communication is only complete when the other side understands what was intended. If they didn’t get it, like, really get it, (excuse my Gen Z english) you haven’t communicated. You’ve just said words.

Here’s a simple example. You’re in a meeting and your manager says: “I think we should revisit the timeline on this one.”

What do you hear? What do they mean? Is the deadline moving? Is your work not good enough? Has someone above them said something and this is the polished, deniable version? You don’t know. And honestly, neither do they - because they haven’t said a single clear thing. They’ve said something around the thing.

That ambiguity costs people sleep. It costs teams trust. It costs organisations millions in rework, misalignment, and the quiet exit of people who eventually stop trying to decode the room and just leave.

Clarity is kindness because the alternative, deliberate or careless vagueness, is a actually cruel.

So please : say what you mean. Mean what you say. Watch how people receive it, not just how you send it. And when in doubt, ask. “Did that land the way I intended?” is one of the most underused sentences in professional life.

Now, that’s our foundation. Let’s get to the good bit.

Being understood is not the same as being influential.

Clear communication is the floor. Not the ceiling.

Once you’ve mastered saying what you mean, a whole new frontier opens! I’m talking about the gap between being understood and actually moving someone. Between your message landing and something genuinely changing : a decision, a perspective or a behaviour.

That gap is where influence lives.

And influence, done right, is also a form of kindness. It’s the ability to walk into someone else’s reality, understand what’s driving them underneath the surface, and speak to that honestly. Not to manipulate or win. But to arrive somewhere neither of you could reach alone.

Here’s my framework to this whole concept. Four simple steps to learn. (It might take a lifetime to master though)

Proverbs 18:13 "To answer before listening is folly and shame."

Step 1: Find the emotion underneath.

Every conversation has a surface and a subtext. The surface is what’s being said. The subtext is what’s driving it. And everything: every inquiry, silence, piece of feedback anyone has ever given you, is driven by emotion.

When someone resists your proposal, the emotion underneath might be fear - that they’ll carry the blame if it fails. When someone goes quiet in a meeting, it might be shame - caught off-guard, not wanting to look uncertain in front of the room. When someone is aggressive about a small detail, it might be pride - this territory feels like theirs.

Your first job in any meaningful conversation is not to respond to the surface. It’s to read the signal underneath. Just to see it clearly.

Step 2: Let them know they’re seen.

Most people clock the emotion and immediately pivot to their argument. Not cool. Don’t do that.

Pause. Reflect what you’ve noticed. “It sounds like you’re concerned about how this lands with the board.” “I get the sense this feels like more risk than it’s worth right now.” You don’t have to be right. You just have to show you were paying attention.

Something shifts when people feel genuinely seen. Their defences lower and they feel safer. You’ve said, without words: I’m not your opponent. I’m with you.

Step 3: Establish shared value.

Sigh. Most of us try to persuade others to care about what we care about, instead of locating what both people already care about.

It might be a shared goal. A shared standard. A shared fear of the same bad outcome. Whatever it is - name it. “We both want this to land well with the client.” “I know we both care about the team not burning out.” “We’re both trying to protect what we’ve built here.”

Mutual value(s) is gold in any human interaction. Your job is to find it and hold it up so both of you can see it clearly.

Step 4: Present your ask as the path to what you both want.

Only now, once their emotion is seen, acknowledged, and connected to something you both value, do you make your case. It’s a natural next step toward the shared destination you’ve already established together.

“Given that we both want X, here’s what I think gets us there.”

That’s it.

A word on power.

This framework works. Trust me. But that means it needs guardrails.

The fact that we want something doesn’t mean we deserve it. And the fact that you can move someone to do something doesn’t mean you always should.

Influence without integrity IS manipulation. Don’t be that guy.

Use this to build things that matter. Use it to unlock conversations that have been stuck. Use it to help people who don’t yet have the language for what they need. Use it to close the gap between where your team is and where it could be.

But always ask yourself: if the other person could see exactly what I’m doing right now, would they feel respected?

If the answer is yes, then proceed. If the answer is anything else, stop and ask yourself what you’re really after.

So for this week:

Say what you mean. Read what others feel. Find the ground you share. Lead them somewhere good.

Pick one or two people this week. A colleague. A client. Someone at home. Go into the conversation differently. Watch what shifts when you stop trying to be heard and start trying to genuinely connect.

You might surprise yourself.

Stay awesome,

Sydney

P.S. I’d love to chat with directly this May to learn about how we can support your career/venture journey. Book some time here.